I have made no secret of the appalling state of my fitness, which was confirmed to me last week when I ventured into a gym for the first time in some years. As previously noted, my overall lifestyle is pretty crap, and the most exercise I usually get is running up and down two flights of stairs to answer the door to housemates who have forgotten their keys.
However. It would seem that things are not as bad as I’d thought, while simultaneously being much worse. As far as resistance training is concerned, I’m top of the class. Even lanky Dave, the ironic weights trainer, says so. Give me a jar and I’ll smash the lid into the sun. A bus has fallen onto your baby? My mighty legs will kick it right off. Weights. No problem.
Even general cardio is looking okay. Put me on the cross-trainer, exercise bike or rowing machine and I’ll spanner around quite happily for miles and miles. I’ll huff and puff and get red in the face and my hair will cling to my forehead in a hugely unattractive many, but I’m pretty sure I could cover a substantial distance in an acceptable time.
BUT. Put me on the treadmill, and it just all goes to shit. My body, it seems, it actually allergic to the physical act of running. And this is why I’m feeling hugely disheartened and irritated today, having just come back from the gym with another failed attempt to run one single kilometre in one go. Infuriatingly, I feel like I could run much further than I do, but am constantly thwarted by a stitch in my right side.
I’ve tried eating smaller meals and indeed no meals prior to the gym. I’ve tried limiting my water intake. I’ve tried holding my arms in different ways, and running at different speeds, and doing different warm ups, and yet at about 0.5km the bastard creeps up and renders me completely unable to walk, never mind run. WHY IS THIS?
Someone has suggested that it may well be linked to irregular breathing, and if this is the case, I am utterly screwed. I’ve had an ongoing nose complaint for many, many years, where the stupidly thin bridge of my nose makes nasal breathing a right ball-ache. I’ve got it under control on a day-to-day basis, but evidently doing so during strenuous exercise is proving more of a problem. Short of smashing my face up with a hammer I’m not sure what I can do to rectify the issue in an exercising context. Dear Internet, can you help me?